I am an emotional rollercoaster. Today my daughter stunned me off my feet today with her "too adult" vocalizations. Today our neighbor dropped her daughter off before school so I could get her on the bus while she had an appointment to be at.
While the girls were eating breakfast I asked Makaela "What does your dad do for a living?"
Alanna responded with a "My dad?"
I said "No, Makaela's dad."
Alanna said "Mine breaks hearts."
My bottom lip quiverred, my eyes filled with tears, and my heart cracked more than it already has been.
All I could even muster to say was "Ohhhh Lonnie." She tells me all the time that she wishes she had her father in her life and I try to tell her that sometimes having a dad isn't as fun as you'd think. I try to tell her about the ugly side to the coin but she doesn't believe it exists.
Today has literally turned into a daddy day. Everything I have heard, watched, & lived has had to do with people with big fat daddy issues and those issues are completely beyond me. I have been having a Dawson's Creek marathon today and Andie McPhee was like "I don't care if he abandoned our family, hes our dad. He loves us." And the whole time I was thinking "Really? Can ya get the eff over it? Who cares if he is your dad."
While watching the episode my best friend calls to tell me she is staying with her parents for a week because her boyfriend's father who is a drunk, drug addict, and was non-existent in his life for 20+ years. And yet he says "He needs a place to stay. He is my dad." Nevermind the fact that his being there makes Jenn uncomfortable and she fears for the safety of her newborn daughter. Who cares if he needs a place to stay? You just chose your loser father over your baby and girlfriend. Classy.
Who are these people and where do they come from? Fathers are not all they are cracked up to be. I have one and have dislike him 97% of the time. And let me just say that 3% was not the best of times. It wasn't until I was 20 that I even started liking him at all. Once I had my daughter he turned into a different man. I know that maybe I can't speak of why people without their fathers in their lives have daddy issues because I have had mine in my life, but having it has been way more overrated than anything else so I guess I just dont understand.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Slipping thru my fingers...
Today I went with my mom to the Walled Lake Western High School's production of The Phantom of the Opera. We go every year to the local high school performances and I leave more upset than any bad day off my meds could ever leave me. I can't even sit in my seat and have the lights dim before anything even starts without my eyes filling with tears. And yes, I am an emotional person, but if I didn't live with daily regret of my past then I wouldn't feel this way.
When I was twelve I got the lead in my junior high's play. It was where I was meant to be whether the entire thing was atrocious. When I got to high school I was not in the plays and musicals solely because sports took up far too much of my time. My junior year I tried out for Hello Dolly. I had to sing a song and then do a few lines from the play. I picked the song "Stardust" by Nat King Cole. One of my most favorite songs to date. Then came my lines. I had to recite about a paragraph from memory and about ten words in, they stopped me, laughing hysterically, and asked me to start over. They apologized but they said my accent was fantastic and they had never stopped an audition before. I got a call back to be in the chorus, I didn't get any of the leads due to lack of seniority. It was kind of a bummer, but I understood. I was one of the lead dancers and I put my heart and soul into my part. That is the beginning of when my life started drifting downhill. I quit the dance team and I became tangled in a web of all things destructive. I wound up quitting the play and it broke my heart. I left my fellow actors in the lurches because of selfishness. I began dating a guy who was most definitely the king of the losers and from there my life was easily defined as a mess. He treated me poorly, cheated on me, talked to me like I was scum, while I worshiped the ground he walked on. Inevitably my Senior year, I didn't go on the exchange trip to Germany like I should have, I didn't go to Prom, Graduation, any of the senior events, I wasn't on any sports teams and I didn't do the play or musical. Christ, if I hadn't done so well my previous three years of school, I wouldn't have graduated at all. I let someone who didn't even care whether I was alive or dead dictate every move of my life. The pining for the stage never left me.
I had my daughter when I was 19 and it put a lot of things in my life on hold. I work and spend time with her and that is all that is important to me. Or so I tell myself. It isn't all though. Every year when we go to these productions and I leave I am in physical pain because of how much hurt I have in my heart over not being a part of it. So I looked up the Farmington Players & Avon players. They have auditions coming up. I don't even know if it is something I can do with work, but I am going to try. I have stopped working on making myself happy for the last thirteen years and I am breaking myself apart.
Did I mention that The Phantom of the Opera is my number one musical? I know, literally, every single word. Every line, every pitch, every tone, every note. Today I sat in the audience lip-syncing every single word imaginable. And while it left me with a gaping hole, it felt amazing. Like being around the stage gives me a sense of euphoria.
Maybe I am losing my mind. Maybe I have dreamed up this whole regret and passion idea. Maybe I need to give this acting thing a second change to see what I have been missing for the last decade plus. I know that without it in my life... something is definitely missing.
When I was twelve I got the lead in my junior high's play. It was where I was meant to be whether the entire thing was atrocious. When I got to high school I was not in the plays and musicals solely because sports took up far too much of my time. My junior year I tried out for Hello Dolly. I had to sing a song and then do a few lines from the play. I picked the song "Stardust" by Nat King Cole. One of my most favorite songs to date. Then came my lines. I had to recite about a paragraph from memory and about ten words in, they stopped me, laughing hysterically, and asked me to start over. They apologized but they said my accent was fantastic and they had never stopped an audition before. I got a call back to be in the chorus, I didn't get any of the leads due to lack of seniority. It was kind of a bummer, but I understood. I was one of the lead dancers and I put my heart and soul into my part. That is the beginning of when my life started drifting downhill. I quit the dance team and I became tangled in a web of all things destructive. I wound up quitting the play and it broke my heart. I left my fellow actors in the lurches because of selfishness. I began dating a guy who was most definitely the king of the losers and from there my life was easily defined as a mess. He treated me poorly, cheated on me, talked to me like I was scum, while I worshiped the ground he walked on. Inevitably my Senior year, I didn't go on the exchange trip to Germany like I should have, I didn't go to Prom, Graduation, any of the senior events, I wasn't on any sports teams and I didn't do the play or musical. Christ, if I hadn't done so well my previous three years of school, I wouldn't have graduated at all. I let someone who didn't even care whether I was alive or dead dictate every move of my life. The pining for the stage never left me.
I had my daughter when I was 19 and it put a lot of things in my life on hold. I work and spend time with her and that is all that is important to me. Or so I tell myself. It isn't all though. Every year when we go to these productions and I leave I am in physical pain because of how much hurt I have in my heart over not being a part of it. So I looked up the Farmington Players & Avon players. They have auditions coming up. I don't even know if it is something I can do with work, but I am going to try. I have stopped working on making myself happy for the last thirteen years and I am breaking myself apart.
Did I mention that The Phantom of the Opera is my number one musical? I know, literally, every single word. Every line, every pitch, every tone, every note. Today I sat in the audience lip-syncing every single word imaginable. And while it left me with a gaping hole, it felt amazing. Like being around the stage gives me a sense of euphoria.
Maybe I am losing my mind. Maybe I have dreamed up this whole regret and passion idea. Maybe I need to give this acting thing a second change to see what I have been missing for the last decade plus. I know that without it in my life... something is definitely missing.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Damn PhD's
So today was incredibly frustrating!! Slight back story: Last Wednesday I rolled my ankle at volleyball and the pain burned like fire up my leg. I tied my shoe on as tight as it would go, elevated immediately, and proceeded to pop a Xanex cuz I knew I my blood pressure was going to sky rocket! Now this is not my first ankle-breaking rodeo. I have done this a time or two.. or three before. I know what it takes to heal this sucker back up, however, this time was the least awful of all the times I have hurt myself in the ankle region.
The very first time, in '03, I was black and blue to the knee within a day and on crutches for 2 weeks all while camping. The second time, was a product of a volleyball game gone wrong. I went up to block with a behemoth of a man who had to compensate for my lack of height by jumping across my entire body. He landed and then I landed... on his feet... rolling my ankle to the ground. This time was, again, at volleyball. I went up to block, blocked, came down so tight on the net that I knew I was going to go under and onto the other side therefore having the whistle blown on me, so I compensated by throwing my body one way while my feet went the other. Crunch. Oh and the whistle was blown on me after all. Guess my ankle went on the wrong side. *shudder* I went onto my back and laid there in pain knowing exactly what had happened. Knowing that I was done walking like an average human being for at least a month. If I had a dollar for every time I have given myself "cankles"... I might be in the ballpark of ten bucks.
Wednesday, crunched the cankle. Friday, went to the doctors for the x-ray. Do I even get to see my doctor? No. I have to see the P.A. who IS NOT A DOCTOR! The last six appointments I have made at this office, I have seen the P.A.. I like her. She is nice, but what am I paying for? Monday, 12:30p.m. I leave for work with still no phone call from the office as to whether my ankle is indeed broken or not. Am I supposed to just guess? If I would have opted to pay $50 and go to Urgent Care, I would have known within an hour, not 4 days! They called around 1:30 to tell me it wasn't broken. And when I say "they called" I mean not the doctor, OR the PA. It was no one I ever heard of before while I could hear the PA in the background dictating what to say. Really? Hand her the gdamn phone!!
Here was the phone call:
"Mary, we've reviewed your x-ray and everything is normal."
"Oooookay, so what should I do?"
"Well just resume activity as you normally would."
"Well I am on my feet 9 hours a day just at work so what should I do."
"When you are not on your feet, make sure to ice and elevate."
A) My 9 year old could have told me to ice and elevate. Shit, I knew that from the 475 previous times I've effed my ankle up.
B) My ankle is normal? No, it may not be broken, but it is NOT normal. It is the size of a grapefruit with mass bruising. That is not normal.
C) Did you know a sprain is harder to heal and WORSE than a break? Yeah, fuck you doctors office.
Of course I went into tears after this phone call ended. The sap that I am. I was red-faced and pissed. I immediately called my insurance and changed doctors. Talk about dramatic. I also plan to write a very strongly worded letter to the practice. We will see if the doctors even read it. Maybe they'll let the PA read it.
The very first time, in '03, I was black and blue to the knee within a day and on crutches for 2 weeks all while camping. The second time, was a product of a volleyball game gone wrong. I went up to block with a behemoth of a man who had to compensate for my lack of height by jumping across my entire body. He landed and then I landed... on his feet... rolling my ankle to the ground. This time was, again, at volleyball. I went up to block, blocked, came down so tight on the net that I knew I was going to go under and onto the other side therefore having the whistle blown on me, so I compensated by throwing my body one way while my feet went the other. Crunch. Oh and the whistle was blown on me after all. Guess my ankle went on the wrong side. *shudder* I went onto my back and laid there in pain knowing exactly what had happened. Knowing that I was done walking like an average human being for at least a month. If I had a dollar for every time I have given myself "cankles"... I might be in the ballpark of ten bucks.
Wednesday, crunched the cankle. Friday, went to the doctors for the x-ray. Do I even get to see my doctor? No. I have to see the P.A. who IS NOT A DOCTOR! The last six appointments I have made at this office, I have seen the P.A.. I like her. She is nice, but what am I paying for? Monday, 12:30p.m. I leave for work with still no phone call from the office as to whether my ankle is indeed broken or not. Am I supposed to just guess? If I would have opted to pay $50 and go to Urgent Care, I would have known within an hour, not 4 days! They called around 1:30 to tell me it wasn't broken. And when I say "they called" I mean not the doctor, OR the PA. It was no one I ever heard of before while I could hear the PA in the background dictating what to say. Really? Hand her the gdamn phone!!
Here was the phone call:
"Mary, we've reviewed your x-ray and everything is normal."
"Oooookay, so what should I do?"
"Well just resume activity as you normally would."
"Well I am on my feet 9 hours a day just at work so what should I do."
"When you are not on your feet, make sure to ice and elevate."
A) My 9 year old could have told me to ice and elevate. Shit, I knew that from the 475 previous times I've effed my ankle up.
B) My ankle is normal? No, it may not be broken, but it is NOT normal. It is the size of a grapefruit with mass bruising. That is not normal.
C) Did you know a sprain is harder to heal and WORSE than a break? Yeah, fuck you doctors office.
Of course I went into tears after this phone call ended. The sap that I am. I was red-faced and pissed. I immediately called my insurance and changed doctors. Talk about dramatic. I also plan to write a very strongly worded letter to the practice. We will see if the doctors even read it. Maybe they'll let the PA read it.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Once Upon A Time...
Watching ABC's Once Upon A Time really makes me think. Especially when Ginnifer Goodwin's writers give her lines to say that make a lot of sense...
"If guess if true love was easy, we'd all have it."
No words spoke more true. I'm not exactly sure why love is on the brain as much as it has been as of late, but I do know that it is weighing heavy. It's been in everything I say, do, & see... and dammit! I am afraid of love. I do not want it staring me in the face all the time. I do a lot in my every day life to avoid all things love related - even as far as saying that I do not believe in it- but here it is, throwing itself all over my life.
I suppose if my daughter were in my same predicament I would not want her to fear love. I would want her to embrace it, but I would want her to see clearly which I am certain most people do not.
I can remember having a conversation with my friend Brandon about 2 years ago now. He had just broken up with one of his girlfriends and was pretty distraught. I asked him how when he kept loving so strong and losing so great how he could still have such passion in his life for love. How could he still wake up every day and want to love, because I was the exact opposite. My passion was exhausted and I spent more time hating love then I ever spent doing anything else. Perhaps that is my biggest problem. Perhaps that is why love has never found me. Because as much as I fear it, it fears my hatred for it.
"If guess if true love was easy, we'd all have it."
No words spoke more true. I'm not exactly sure why love is on the brain as much as it has been as of late, but I do know that it is weighing heavy. It's been in everything I say, do, & see... and dammit! I am afraid of love. I do not want it staring me in the face all the time. I do a lot in my every day life to avoid all things love related - even as far as saying that I do not believe in it- but here it is, throwing itself all over my life.
I suppose if my daughter were in my same predicament I would not want her to fear love. I would want her to embrace it, but I would want her to see clearly which I am certain most people do not.
I can remember having a conversation with my friend Brandon about 2 years ago now. He had just broken up with one of his girlfriends and was pretty distraught. I asked him how when he kept loving so strong and losing so great how he could still have such passion in his life for love. How could he still wake up every day and want to love, because I was the exact opposite. My passion was exhausted and I spent more time hating love then I ever spent doing anything else. Perhaps that is my biggest problem. Perhaps that is why love has never found me. Because as much as I fear it, it fears my hatred for it.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Words of the Tao
Last night I was texting with a friend and listening to her issues with love & life which really gets the ol' ticker turning. She told me how she felt numb with her current situation. That she is just going through the motions of life... and I completely understood her. She has had a pretty rough go at life, but she is still such a beautiful person. Her and I haven't been the greatest of friends over the last chunk of years, but it seems like the older we get the more we need each other's guidance. We are always discussing love (amongst many other topics), but we have very different outlooks on it. She is a relationship girl, while I am the girl who is always alone. She loves to be in love, while I am deathly afraid of it. She makes me think of what I really want out of life. Do I really want to be alone forever. Do I really want to be what my friends call me, "indefinitely single?" Do I even truly know what it is that I do want out of life?
When I started writing this blog, I was thinking about all kinds of "woe is me" things. How my life is stressful right now. How I feel a lot like I am no longer treading water, but I have had this put into perspective today by two sick friends. One, at work, is on the losing side of the battle with cancer. The other, in my family, is my aunt who has a terrible auto-immune disease right now. Without treatment it will shut down her lungs and kidneys. So I started thinking about my loneliness, my hatred for my job, my past relationships, my aching knee, and all of it started to feel severely insignificant.
"Embrace simplicity. Put others first. Desire little." Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu
When I started writing this blog, I was thinking about all kinds of "woe is me" things. How my life is stressful right now. How I feel a lot like I am no longer treading water, but I have had this put into perspective today by two sick friends. One, at work, is on the losing side of the battle with cancer. The other, in my family, is my aunt who has a terrible auto-immune disease right now. Without treatment it will shut down her lungs and kidneys. So I started thinking about my loneliness, my hatred for my job, my past relationships, my aching knee, and all of it started to feel severely insignificant.
"Embrace simplicity. Put others first. Desire little." Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Productive or not
I've had the last three days off & feel like I have been pretty accomplished since. I haven't been hiding in bed watching movies like I normally would which is strange. The odd part is I am dying to just relax but then I feel so useless. I dont know what is wrong with me. I think I will get to yoga tomorrow, but my leg is absolutely killing me! I wish I knew what was wrong with it. On Friday I ordered the complete series of Dawnson's Creek on Amazon for $40. An absolute steal. I'm excited to watch them all again. When Alnna was first born they used to play each episode in succession on TNT every morning, meaning I haven't seen them since like 2003.
The contractors claim they are done with my house. The inspector came out Friday and was highly disappointed. He is making them come out and finish the work before he pays them which is good. I already started painting which I do not want to do. I did a ton of yardwork this weekend and my dad chopped me a ton of wood so I can light a lot of fires this winter. I love sitting in my chair, reading a book, under a blanket, next to a fire. There isnt much that is better.
Maybe I will take a nap. Pretty lame, I know. Its like 4 pm, but Ive already had one hell of a day.
The contractors claim they are done with my house. The inspector came out Friday and was highly disappointed. He is making them come out and finish the work before he pays them which is good. I already started painting which I do not want to do. I did a ton of yardwork this weekend and my dad chopped me a ton of wood so I can light a lot of fires this winter. I love sitting in my chair, reading a book, under a blanket, next to a fire. There isnt much that is better.
Maybe I will take a nap. Pretty lame, I know. Its like 4 pm, but Ive already had one hell of a day.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Miss Independent?
I have been staring at this computer screen for well over 5 minutes and cannot come up with anything worthy to even discuss. So perhaps I will just describe my day and it will fall into place.
I awoke this morning a little later than I had anticipated so in turn my daughter was also asleep later than she should have been. We woke up and she decided to dress in the most ridiculous outfit ever. We fought it out and I, of course, won and she put semi-human clothes on. I shouldn't sweat the small stuff really and just let her dress like an absolute freak. Maybe it will keep the boys FAR away... and FOREVER! Jenn came over and dropped Avery off so I could babysit, and she drove Lonnie to the bus stop for me. I snuggled up on the couch with the little bean and watched CSI:Miami reruns for a few hours until I got dressed and drove to Jenn's work so she could show Aves off.
Jenn has been talking about this guy at her work and how I "have to meet him." I have been down this road with way too many friends and these "have to meets" always wind up being disasters. I was pleasantly surprised when this one was a lot better looking than I had presumed. He introduced himself and shook my hand and that was literally the extent of our meeting. Did I mention he looks a ton like my ex-fiance? Guess Jenn knows what I like, huh? *sigh* The dating scene. What an obnoxious place to be in! I am single so naturally one would assume I am in that so-called scene, but the truth is I stay as far away from it as possible. Dating & MaryAnne do not go together... at all. Hell, I am not sure relationships & MaryAnne go together at all. I am not exactly the person you can have on your arm, dote over, or be romantic to. I have been told for several years now that I am just like a guy -with the exception of the boobs and vagina. I think like a man, talk like a man, and date like a man. Christ, half the men I date are freaking females or so it seems! Pathetic. I guess what it comes down to is I'm too independent for my own good. Most people need companionship while I do not. Most people are in relationships, unhealthy or otherwise, because they cant stand to be alone and I am not one of those people. I would rather be alone. I spent 5 years in a relationship where all we did was verbally abuse each other and inevitably he cheated on me with half the city. I fear relationships. I fear all that comes along with it. I fear dependency on another human being in any way, shape, or form. At least I can recognize my shortcomings right? Sure. It doesn't really make it that much better, more or less just rubs it into the wound a little further.
So my point in all this is, I might just need to reevaluate my theories on life. My outlook on relationships. Unless I truly do want to be alone for the next 60 years. That is an awfully long time.
I awoke this morning a little later than I had anticipated so in turn my daughter was also asleep later than she should have been. We woke up and she decided to dress in the most ridiculous outfit ever. We fought it out and I, of course, won and she put semi-human clothes on. I shouldn't sweat the small stuff really and just let her dress like an absolute freak. Maybe it will keep the boys FAR away... and FOREVER! Jenn came over and dropped Avery off so I could babysit, and she drove Lonnie to the bus stop for me. I snuggled up on the couch with the little bean and watched CSI:Miami reruns for a few hours until I got dressed and drove to Jenn's work so she could show Aves off.
Jenn has been talking about this guy at her work and how I "have to meet him." I have been down this road with way too many friends and these "have to meets" always wind up being disasters. I was pleasantly surprised when this one was a lot better looking than I had presumed. He introduced himself and shook my hand and that was literally the extent of our meeting. Did I mention he looks a ton like my ex-fiance? Guess Jenn knows what I like, huh? *sigh* The dating scene. What an obnoxious place to be in! I am single so naturally one would assume I am in that so-called scene, but the truth is I stay as far away from it as possible. Dating & MaryAnne do not go together... at all. Hell, I am not sure relationships & MaryAnne go together at all. I am not exactly the person you can have on your arm, dote over, or be romantic to. I have been told for several years now that I am just like a guy -with the exception of the boobs and vagina. I think like a man, talk like a man, and date like a man. Christ, half the men I date are freaking females or so it seems! Pathetic. I guess what it comes down to is I'm too independent for my own good. Most people need companionship while I do not. Most people are in relationships, unhealthy or otherwise, because they cant stand to be alone and I am not one of those people. I would rather be alone. I spent 5 years in a relationship where all we did was verbally abuse each other and inevitably he cheated on me with half the city. I fear relationships. I fear all that comes along with it. I fear dependency on another human being in any way, shape, or form. At least I can recognize my shortcomings right? Sure. It doesn't really make it that much better, more or less just rubs it into the wound a little further.
So my point in all this is, I might just need to reevaluate my theories on life. My outlook on relationships. Unless I truly do want to be alone for the next 60 years. That is an awfully long time.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
A day for tears
I got to babysit my beautiful Goddaughter Avery all day today. It was fun snuggling with a sleepy little growing life all day. I ran to the dentist, picked up my "night guard" and then to the Secretary of State to get my new driver's license. At least I don't have to get another one for a decade...
Here is where I am now: I missed last week's episode of Parenthood so I had two episodes to watch tonight. I'm pretty sure I cried for the full two hours. Pathetically enough it wasn't like I just was leaking tears out of the corner of my eyes, I am talking full on weepy sobs. I mean, I laughed a bit, I smiled, I even spoke out loud at Peter Krauser's "KFed meets RunDMC" outfit, but when it came down to it I wept like I had just lost my best friend.
It seems like a few times a year something happens that opens my eyes to the fact that I am missing out what I want out of life. I'm not exactly sure what to do about this predicament or about the fact that it slaps me right in the face a few times a year, but I know that something is definitely out of place. I think I am going to have to do some soul searching and find out exactly what it is I need vs. what I want. I have my Alanna, which is the single most important thing, however, I know I was meant for more and I don't even have a clue where to start.
Here is where I am now: I missed last week's episode of Parenthood so I had two episodes to watch tonight. I'm pretty sure I cried for the full two hours. Pathetically enough it wasn't like I just was leaking tears out of the corner of my eyes, I am talking full on weepy sobs. I mean, I laughed a bit, I smiled, I even spoke out loud at Peter Krauser's "KFed meets RunDMC" outfit, but when it came down to it I wept like I had just lost my best friend.
It seems like a few times a year something happens that opens my eyes to the fact that I am missing out what I want out of life. I'm not exactly sure what to do about this predicament or about the fact that it slaps me right in the face a few times a year, but I know that something is definitely out of place. I think I am going to have to do some soul searching and find out exactly what it is I need vs. what I want. I have my Alanna, which is the single most important thing, however, I know I was meant for more and I don't even have a clue where to start.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
One & Only
I cannot get Adele's "One and Only" out of my head. I have literally been singing it over and over for at least 8 hours. Mind you, I sing pretty well and love this song, but c'mon it doesn't need to be in my head any more. I suppose it is better than "This is the song that doesn't end, yes it goes on and on my friend...." Oh crap. What did I do?
A friend at work gave me one of his many phones today to replace my BlackBerry Bold that has had no zero button since May. Do you actually know how hard it is to work a phone with no zero button? My voicemail password has a zero in it and let me just tell you, I have to jam my pinky nail down into the slot otherwise it just isn't happening. You might wonder why I don't have a touch-screen. Well, I am old fashioned I suppose. I love my keyboard. I can text faster than anyone on 6 continents. However, this new(ish) phone is a touch-screen and boy am I struggling with life. It is a BlackBerry Storm2. I plan to go iPhone come February but this will have to suffice for now. I SUCK at touch-screen. I can't type properly, I don't know where the screens are, the operating system is different. I am so damn confused! Its like I need a college course on how to use my phone or maybe an internship?
The most depressing news of this week is that on Friday I bought my 9 year old a training bra. Now I may be well endowed in the chest region, but that is no reason for my daughter to need support at 9!! I didn't even get these bad boys til I was 18. Should I blame all the hormones in the meats and milk? Well I am going to! There is no other reason to explain why she is getting "buds" this early. She is the only 4th grader I know of in a bra. *facepalm* Its almost as depressing as the fact that I am 29 on Friday.
A friend at work gave me one of his many phones today to replace my BlackBerry Bold that has had no zero button since May. Do you actually know how hard it is to work a phone with no zero button? My voicemail password has a zero in it and let me just tell you, I have to jam my pinky nail down into the slot otherwise it just isn't happening. You might wonder why I don't have a touch-screen. Well, I am old fashioned I suppose. I love my keyboard. I can text faster than anyone on 6 continents. However, this new(ish) phone is a touch-screen and boy am I struggling with life. It is a BlackBerry Storm2. I plan to go iPhone come February but this will have to suffice for now. I SUCK at touch-screen. I can't type properly, I don't know where the screens are, the operating system is different. I am so damn confused! Its like I need a college course on how to use my phone or maybe an internship?
The most depressing news of this week is that on Friday I bought my 9 year old a training bra. Now I may be well endowed in the chest region, but that is no reason for my daughter to need support at 9!! I didn't even get these bad boys til I was 18. Should I blame all the hormones in the meats and milk? Well I am going to! There is no other reason to explain why she is getting "buds" this early. She is the only 4th grader I know of in a bra. *facepalm* Its almost as depressing as the fact that I am 29 on Friday.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Inevitably Single
I have been not only having actual discussions but dreams lately about parents and whether kids are ruined because of the lack of them.
My daughter, for prime example, has no father to speak of. Her father never met her til she was 6 months old and never again until she was 6 years. He hasn't called since 2009 so maybe he'll show up again when she is 16? Who knows. But my arguments have consisted of people saying that they stay together to have their family. "But what would the kids do without theitr daddy?" I think its a bad joke. Really? They'd get on with life, thats what they would do. They would see that life isn't perfect and they would get over it. I know people who have fathers and would be better off in life without them. I get that people want the perfect picture, but this is real life and it is hard. It is far from perfect.
For example I have a friend who stays with her douche bag boyfriend because she has two kids. She says she does it for them and it doesnt matter what she wants. I said "If your daughter was in a terrible abusive relationship would you be okay with it?" She replied with an "of course not." So she continues the cycle with showing her daughter that its okay to be in an abusive relationship and shows her son it is okay to abuse women. When does it end?
My daughter has talks of having a father. She wishes she could have one. When she was 8 months old I started dating a guy and we were together from then until just after she turned 5. He was all she new from daddy. For three of those five years he cheated on me. He kept a whole other life from me because of his selfishness. When the time finally came where I learned of the cheating and left him, he moved one of his new girls in within two days. He said he still wanted to see Alanna, and I said he could, but not his new woman. He never called again nor never saw my daughter after that conversation. Alanna doesnt understand why, of course, but for a 5 year old to say "Mommy, I don't want these memories in my head," thats a little deep... See she would have been better off without one from the start. Like I said all along.
I don't know what the point of this rant it is. Maybe to show myself that I am single with good reason. That I dont just want to be with someone who will ineviatably hurt my daughter or myself. I am good where I am. If that means I am alone til I die, then so be it.
My daughter, for prime example, has no father to speak of. Her father never met her til she was 6 months old and never again until she was 6 years. He hasn't called since 2009 so maybe he'll show up again when she is 16? Who knows. But my arguments have consisted of people saying that they stay together to have their family. "But what would the kids do without theitr daddy?" I think its a bad joke. Really? They'd get on with life, thats what they would do. They would see that life isn't perfect and they would get over it. I know people who have fathers and would be better off in life without them. I get that people want the perfect picture, but this is real life and it is hard. It is far from perfect.
For example I have a friend who stays with her douche bag boyfriend because she has two kids. She says she does it for them and it doesnt matter what she wants. I said "If your daughter was in a terrible abusive relationship would you be okay with it?" She replied with an "of course not." So she continues the cycle with showing her daughter that its okay to be in an abusive relationship and shows her son it is okay to abuse women. When does it end?
My daughter has talks of having a father. She wishes she could have one. When she was 8 months old I started dating a guy and we were together from then until just after she turned 5. He was all she new from daddy. For three of those five years he cheated on me. He kept a whole other life from me because of his selfishness. When the time finally came where I learned of the cheating and left him, he moved one of his new girls in within two days. He said he still wanted to see Alanna, and I said he could, but not his new woman. He never called again nor never saw my daughter after that conversation. Alanna doesnt understand why, of course, but for a 5 year old to say "Mommy, I don't want these memories in my head," thats a little deep... See she would have been better off without one from the start. Like I said all along.
I don't know what the point of this rant it is. Maybe to show myself that I am single with good reason. That I dont just want to be with someone who will ineviatably hurt my daughter or myself. I am good where I am. If that means I am alone til I die, then so be it.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
As a few snowflakes fall...
It's the first of October and I just watched a few snowflakes fall to the ground. I am glad summer is over, but I am not ready for the bitter cold of the winter. I wish I could freeze fall in it's place and enjoy the warm days and cooler nights. Instead of blistering winds in a freezing rain.
I spent the majority of the day at work in my own peace and quiet getting some tasks I didn't really want to do done. I was glad for it though. I've heard my fellow co-workers chant "I love my job. I love my job." to themselves for quite sometimes and I have never felt quite that way until lately. I know that everyone's job has stressors, but it seems like my job is killing me softly. As well as this work that is being done on my house. Err, scratch that, the work that isn't being done on my house. The tally this week was they worked Tuesday and came Thursday but for a whopping 3.5 hours. And here I sit in a house that is literally covered in drywall dust. I woke up this morning and my two kitties, Dylan & Lucy, were covered in dust. How sad. I am sure they are hating their life here at my house. Maybe I could put a post on FaceBook and try to get them new homes, but how could I do that to my babies? Their life here is just so less than enjoyable. Bea seems to muttle through, but she is a dog and dogs are just not that smart, lets face it.
Dylan must know I am talking shit about him on here cuz he is clawing at the underside of my bed as I type this. Another thing in this house that is destroyed. :(
I have the day off tomorrow. I get to watch ungodly amounts of TV and try to clean this godforsaken thing I call a home. Coffee will be my best friend tomorrow and maybe I'll even get to a yoga class.
I spent the majority of the day at work in my own peace and quiet getting some tasks I didn't really want to do done. I was glad for it though. I've heard my fellow co-workers chant "I love my job. I love my job." to themselves for quite sometimes and I have never felt quite that way until lately. I know that everyone's job has stressors, but it seems like my job is killing me softly. As well as this work that is being done on my house. Err, scratch that, the work that isn't being done on my house. The tally this week was they worked Tuesday and came Thursday but for a whopping 3.5 hours. And here I sit in a house that is literally covered in drywall dust. I woke up this morning and my two kitties, Dylan & Lucy, were covered in dust. How sad. I am sure they are hating their life here at my house. Maybe I could put a post on FaceBook and try to get them new homes, but how could I do that to my babies? Their life here is just so less than enjoyable. Bea seems to muttle through, but she is a dog and dogs are just not that smart, lets face it.
Dylan must know I am talking shit about him on here cuz he is clawing at the underside of my bed as I type this. Another thing in this house that is destroyed. :(
I have the day off tomorrow. I get to watch ungodly amounts of TV and try to clean this godforsaken thing I call a home. Coffee will be my best friend tomorrow and maybe I'll even get to a yoga class.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Does it even get cold in the south?
Today consisted of waking at 4:40am & pounding down two cups of coffee while tip-toeing around the house trying not to disturb the inch of dust that is coating half of my kitchen. And by dust I am referring to drywall dust. I threw away an entire bowl of peanut M&M's this morning that were on my counter. There should be a law against throwing chocolate away. I might turn myself in.
Work consisted of running rampant around the store and breaking a sweat within the first 8 minutes in the door. I swear corporate doesn't think when they should. They've already turned the store's air down because they think 60 degrees is cold in North Carolina. Well we are from Michigan. We were born with ice in our veins. Don't they know we don't even break out our coats til at least 30. Hell... 80% of my fellow employees are still in shorts, but on the heat goes. And mind you, I work in the electrical department where every display has a light bulb burning away at my flesh & retinas. People that live down south don't even function when it gets to 30 degrees. If it even gets that low. So work ticked along and I swear I lost 4 lbs just in sweat loss. My contractor text me at 10:50 in the morning to let me know he wasn't coming today. Or possibly tomorrow. Shit, why come Friday, make it a long weekend. I wish I could work one day a week. Strike that one day every 9 days. Onward....
I picked up my niece & dog on the way home, waited for my daughter to get off the bus and went to my parents where my dad provided us with a terrible dinner of boneless breaded pork chops & instant mashed potatoes... did I mention there were baked beans? Really?! The man cooks, every day, but he does it so poorly and if you offer him an ounce of advice you get your head chopped off in the guillotine. After the oh-so-delectable dinner from Pop's, I headed home to watch some more of my DVR'ed shows & get ready for volleyball. Which inevitably equalled more sweating. Fail. We only won 2 of our 5 games which seems to be the theme lately. Perhaps the theme could be because I play with one 26 year old, myself, 28, & four over 50's. Time to rethink this whole Wednesday Women's League thing...
Work consisted of running rampant around the store and breaking a sweat within the first 8 minutes in the door. I swear corporate doesn't think when they should. They've already turned the store's air down because they think 60 degrees is cold in North Carolina. Well we are from Michigan. We were born with ice in our veins. Don't they know we don't even break out our coats til at least 30. Hell... 80% of my fellow employees are still in shorts, but on the heat goes. And mind you, I work in the electrical department where every display has a light bulb burning away at my flesh & retinas. People that live down south don't even function when it gets to 30 degrees. If it even gets that low. So work ticked along and I swear I lost 4 lbs just in sweat loss. My contractor text me at 10:50 in the morning to let me know he wasn't coming today. Or possibly tomorrow. Shit, why come Friday, make it a long weekend. I wish I could work one day a week. Strike that one day every 9 days. Onward....
I picked up my niece & dog on the way home, waited for my daughter to get off the bus and went to my parents where my dad provided us with a terrible dinner of boneless breaded pork chops & instant mashed potatoes... did I mention there were baked beans? Really?! The man cooks, every day, but he does it so poorly and if you offer him an ounce of advice you get your head chopped off in the guillotine. After the oh-so-delectable dinner from Pop's, I headed home to watch some more of my DVR'ed shows & get ready for volleyball. Which inevitably equalled more sweating. Fail. We only won 2 of our 5 games which seems to be the theme lately. Perhaps the theme could be because I play with one 26 year old, myself, 28, & four over 50's. Time to rethink this whole Wednesday Women's League thing...
Monday, September 26, 2011
Vinyasa Day #1
Today I was a crab apple 90% of the day. Working retail doesn't always get to me, but today just happened to be one of those days where I considered looking for a new job. Every little thing made my skin crawl. So today on lunch, I plugged my ear-buds into my cell phone, turned on a Johann Sebastian Bach station and dissolved into a world of my own. I had a pretty lame meeting around 2pm which consisted of me not paying attention & texting a guy that I have had feelings for for roughly 4 years. A guy who is completely unavailable to me, but it doesn't make me want him any less. I would never be "that girl," but I let my thoughts wander freely. And they always wander to him. How depressing.
When I finally got home, I decided today would be the day for a cleanse. I went to a 6:30pm Vinyasa class. The first exercise other than a volleyball court or a softball field that I have had in months. And Jamie, the instructor, decides to have a wall class. A wall class is a yoga class where you use the wall with everything you do. And you wind up upsidedown for 70% of the class. I am pretty sure my tanks, yoga pants, bra, underwear, and skin were soaking wet. Halfway through the class I had to rip my eye glasses off cuz they were covered in sweat and almost completely fogged up. 70 minutes in a 90 degree room... sigh... It felt amazing! So amazing that I spent the last few minutes of the class in child's pose and tearing up. I couldn't actually control it with the day that I had. Not that my bipolar ass can control my emotions anyway.
I came home to a house that was untouched for the 5th day running... and I do not mean by myself. I mean, by the contractor. If you think he has been here since last week Thursday you are sorely mistaken. It is supposed to rain the next 4 days. My bet is I wont see him at all. I hope I am wrong.
So now it is time to fold some laundry, catch up on the new episodes of Boardwalk Empire, Terra Nova, & The Sing-Off. I am hoping that when I go to work tomorrow it will not be a day like today. I might end up quitting my job on the spot.
When I finally got home, I decided today would be the day for a cleanse. I went to a 6:30pm Vinyasa class. The first exercise other than a volleyball court or a softball field that I have had in months. And Jamie, the instructor, decides to have a wall class. A wall class is a yoga class where you use the wall with everything you do. And you wind up upsidedown for 70% of the class. I am pretty sure my tanks, yoga pants, bra, underwear, and skin were soaking wet. Halfway through the class I had to rip my eye glasses off cuz they were covered in sweat and almost completely fogged up. 70 minutes in a 90 degree room... sigh... It felt amazing! So amazing that I spent the last few minutes of the class in child's pose and tearing up. I couldn't actually control it with the day that I had. Not that my bipolar ass can control my emotions anyway.
I came home to a house that was untouched for the 5th day running... and I do not mean by myself. I mean, by the contractor. If you think he has been here since last week Thursday you are sorely mistaken. It is supposed to rain the next 4 days. My bet is I wont see him at all. I hope I am wrong.
So now it is time to fold some laundry, catch up on the new episodes of Boardwalk Empire, Terra Nova, & The Sing-Off. I am hoping that when I go to work tomorrow it will not be a day like today. I might end up quitting my job on the spot.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
A day in the life of an upsidedown home...
Since mid 1990 I have been keeping a journal on paper, and I can remember my first entry to be something in reference to the Gulf War. I was about 8 years old and writing has never left me. Lately I've been keeping a blog on paper since May that no one but myself will ever see so I decided that it has to be something I can not only get support on, but maybe just get out there to help someone else.
I am a 28 year old single mother. I have a 9 year old daughter, Alanna, two cats Dylan & Lucy, and a dog, Beatrice. I work retail at Lowe's and I spend my free time reading, writing, and playing adult coed volleyball & softball. I don't go out much, I don't party, I don't drink though I do occassionally smoke. I prefer the life of a hermit crab to the life that other people my age lead. I don't date because I consider it a waste of time and I especially don't like when people say "Oh you will meet him someday." or "When the time comes you will know..." Bite m!. I tend to believe that people settle for things that aren't great because they cannot stand to be alone, and since I can stand to be alone, I will be. Indefinitely. You cannot find "the one" if you remain keeping your eyes closed.
Earlier this year I applied for a home improvement loan on the home I bought back in 2009. It's a deferred loan that I never have to pay back unless I sell the home, which I have no intention of doing. I've literally been documenting every step because this place has been a disaster since day one. This nightmare of a contractor has broken pipes, almost set the house on fire (which was caught just in the nick of time), incorrectly tarped off my roof on a rainy night resuting in it raining inside my house, among about 25 other stupid, idiotic things that have sent my blood pressure sky high. So I am just going to begin to document it on here to get my words straight and my thoughts aligned... and so I don't have to continue to cry myself to sleep on a regular basis because my house is an absolute terror.
So if you want to follow this which you probably will not, then you will understand my current pain. I hate my contractor -whom I cannot fire and who I cannot even complain to anyone about. I've called the program 345 times and do you think they give a care what I have to say? Not as long as it falls within the terms of the contract. My mother rides me every day on my smoking habit and my reasoning is the work on the house. I do not want to smoke. Its nasty, its smelly, it tastes horrible, but it makes me feel normal when my house is in shambles.
I will continue on later. I need to rest... my brain hurts...
I am a 28 year old single mother. I have a 9 year old daughter, Alanna, two cats Dylan & Lucy, and a dog, Beatrice. I work retail at Lowe's and I spend my free time reading, writing, and playing adult coed volleyball & softball. I don't go out much, I don't party, I don't drink though I do occassionally smoke. I prefer the life of a hermit crab to the life that other people my age lead. I don't date because I consider it a waste of time and I especially don't like when people say "Oh you will meet him someday." or "When the time comes you will know..." Bite m!. I tend to believe that people settle for things that aren't great because they cannot stand to be alone, and since I can stand to be alone, I will be. Indefinitely. You cannot find "the one" if you remain keeping your eyes closed.
Earlier this year I applied for a home improvement loan on the home I bought back in 2009. It's a deferred loan that I never have to pay back unless I sell the home, which I have no intention of doing. I've literally been documenting every step because this place has been a disaster since day one. This nightmare of a contractor has broken pipes, almost set the house on fire (which was caught just in the nick of time), incorrectly tarped off my roof on a rainy night resuting in it raining inside my house, among about 25 other stupid, idiotic things that have sent my blood pressure sky high. So I am just going to begin to document it on here to get my words straight and my thoughts aligned... and so I don't have to continue to cry myself to sleep on a regular basis because my house is an absolute terror.
So if you want to follow this which you probably will not, then you will understand my current pain. I hate my contractor -whom I cannot fire and who I cannot even complain to anyone about. I've called the program 345 times and do you think they give a care what I have to say? Not as long as it falls within the terms of the contract. My mother rides me every day on my smoking habit and my reasoning is the work on the house. I do not want to smoke. Its nasty, its smelly, it tastes horrible, but it makes me feel normal when my house is in shambles.
I will continue on later. I need to rest... my brain hurts...
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