American History X

I've been watching a lot of movies lately, trying to catch myself up on years of cult classics that I have missed for no reason I can think of.  I have a list of these movies I keep in a journal and they are slowly (very slowly) dwindling.  


Today I watched American History X. Somewhat predictable, comprehensively annoying, and all together something that didn't make the emotions it was supposed to come out.  I am pretty sure at the end when the brother gets shot to death in the bathroom that you are supposed to feel a lot of sadness.  In a normal situation I may even have cried. I cry at commercials, certain songs played on my iPod, but this only left me feeling angry.  Angry that we live in a world where this behavior actually happens. Where people are so ignorant to everything except for their own beliefs that they affect everything and everyone they come in contact with. So when I was supposed to cry, I didn't. I more or less thought, good riddance.  I was sad that it came back to a black and white fight for power, but I knew that at least the ignorance that character held was gone from the world. I know, it's a just a movie.


A few months ago I watched Green Street Hooligans and was getting so incredibly angry while watching it that I had to make a phone call in the middle of it to scold the friend who told me to watch it.  It was a disgusting display of human life.  Same with Boondock Saints.  I have no respect for humans that act that way.  You are God? You get to do his work for him?  You get to decide who lives and dies based on your jaded and fucked up points of view?


These movies stress me out.  I may know now why I never watched them in the first place. Why they went to the wayside before even giving them a chance.  
It's sad that I watch a movie and want to take a Xanex to calm down.

WB Yeats

I read a poem recently that hit so close to home I had to express it on here:

"Never give all the heart, for love will hardly seem worth thinking of.
To passionate women if it seem certain and they never dream that
it fades out from kiss to kiss.
For everything that's lovely is but a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright. For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough?
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost
For he gave all his heart and lost."
-W.B. Yeats

Oh the cynic I am this poem rings so true to my ears.  I cannot even watch two lovers kiss now without growing incredibly bitter.  Is it because of my abhorrent jealousy? Is it because in two weeks I will have gone  ONE entire year without even so much as a touch from another?  I am unsure.  But I do know this:
I am tired of putting myself out there and getting nothing in return.
I am done.
I am over it.
I am moving forward with life with love far behind me.

Cool breeze on a warm day

Today was one of those days that makes you nostalgic.  Oddly enough it was 65 here in Michigan today.  A degree we don't see too often in March, but winter never actually came this year.  There were only a handful of snowy days and I am pretty sure it never got below 0.  Everyone I know has been cheering that we practically skipped winter and that spring is here, except for me.  The winds of change are among us and for me, I am sad.

I will have spent another year in this house alone.  Another year of complete sadness that I am stumbling through this life without a partner.  Is it sad to imagine my daughters wedding, but not my own?  I know she will live a full life with love and happiness... if such creatures exist.  I know I am going through this life with my girl.  My beautiful, charismatic, darling daughter, but some days it is rearing its ugly head that it is not enough.

I heard a line from a movie today: "You are 30 now, you can't afford to be picky." Wow. Slap in the face.  I say this: If I have to stop being picky then I am certain I will be single forever.  I am the last girl to settle.

My mind is still overrun with thoughts of him.  Thoughts I can't shake and the more I try the worse they get.  He has even somehow possessed the power to creep inside my every dream. This would be a fine fact whilst sleeping, but no, I have the ability to vividly remember every dream.  It is almost as though I have to separate reality from fantasy. My subconscious is telling me that I am off my damn rocker and need to stop thinking about this boy so much.  How can I?  He leads me on.  He flirts uncontrollably. Sometimes we sit on the phone  without even talking just to be on the phone with each other.  Sexually, you could cut the tension with a knife.  I trust him with my life, which if you know me is like saying their are flying elephants in outer space.  MaryAnne and trust do not go well together.  I said in 2012 I would try to let my wall down and, of course, I let it down for the one person on this continent that is completely unavailable to me.  *sigh*  I do it to myself.

I wish I could just keep my head down and never look up. I wish  just knew I would live this life alone and not have to suffer with wondering.

C'mon Get Higher

For the past 18 months I have wrestled with myself in regards to feelings I have developed for someone in my life.  Someone I can most likely never be with. Someone who cannot tell me whether they share the same feelings, but if they made it any more obvious I might spontaneously combust. A friend of mine (one of the only people who even knows of this love) tells me that it is unrequited love;  it will be something I suffer with all of my life long.  He says I will be with someone new one day and still always have the pining for the one who has got away.  Why does he have to "get away?"  Why can't I have what I want?

My dreams are so powerful.  I dream of him every single night I sleep.  I do not just have lucid dreams, they are completely vivid to the point where I have contemplated writing them down.  I am sure I could write a book. Maybe it would be a good way to understand my brain a little better since I really don't understand it at all.  One of the side effects to the medicine I am on is nightmares.  While I do have my fair share of dreams that make my heart race, body sweat, and sometimes even make me cry, I most of the time dream of the man I cannot have.  I guess that's just as bad as a nightmare.  I try so hard not to think about him that it's all I do.

So I have recently started online dating. The process of moving on from a relationship I have never actually been in.  I'm clinically insane. Its official.

Think with my heart

Today for the second time this week my mother invited me over to dinner.  Upon eating dinner my father started an argument with me that got me to get up, get my coat, and leave.  He does this for pleasure, I'm convinced.  Almost as if he gets off on putting others down or making other people feel inferior to him.  I've always known that his opinions are the only opinions in the world that matter.  That he is supremely right while we are all miserably wrong.  Its obnoxious to feel like this.

So, of course, I said to my mom "Don't invite me over anymore, cuz I wont come."  and I left.  She texted me with a "You are too sensitive."  You know... I would rather be too sensitive than anywhere close to the way he is.  He loves to fight, he loves to argue, and he hurts people's feelings all the time.  My mother, my daughter, my brother.   He is unfeeling and unkind.  It even hurts me to admit that my father is this big of a prick. 

I try to explain to my daughter that it is better to have NO father -like she does- than to have a father that verbally hurts you every time you are in his presence.  Maybe I need to move away from him so he can't hurt me any more.  If this was a boyfriend treating me like this I would have kicked his ass to the curb long ago, but since it is my dad I allow it?  Unacceptable.

Sigh

I feel like I am moving backward.  Like the life I thought I would lead is some big running joke with The Fates.  I know that no one's future is for certain due to the choices we make every day, but really? Is this where life has decided to take me? It isn't where I dreamed of. It isn't where I wish I was.

Everyone always makes statements to me about how strong I am or how they admire my strength.  How I don't have to have a relationship define me. Or how I can go through hell but still come out on the other side unscathed.  Well to those people I say this:  I put on a good facade. I know exactly what to say and do to make you smile and turn away thinking everything is fine.  It isn't.

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I still feel you here til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
Then to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free.  Leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're onto me and all over me.

You loved me cuz I'm fragile
I thought that I was strong.
You touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're onto me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
You're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend or foe though I can't seem to let you go
One thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.
You're keeping me down.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long.

If I could write a song, it would go a lot like this.  Her words are exactly what goes on in my head. I have written poetry for many years and some of my works sound a lot like her music.  This song in particular has always struck a chord for me.  I know that if Sara and I were friends, we could write some amazing things.  Since we aren't I will admire her fantastic works from the sidelines.