Today was one of those days that makes you nostalgic. Oddly enough it was 65 here in Michigan today. A degree we don't see too often in March, but winter never actually came this year. There were only a handful of snowy days and I am pretty sure it never got below 0. Everyone I know has been cheering that we practically skipped winter and that spring is here, except for me. The winds of change are among us and for me, I am sad.
I will have spent another year in this house alone. Another year of complete sadness that I am stumbling through this life without a partner. Is it sad to imagine my daughters wedding, but not my own? I know she will live a full life with love and happiness... if such creatures exist. I know I am going through this life with my girl. My beautiful, charismatic, darling daughter, but some days it is rearing its ugly head that it is not enough.
I heard a line from a movie today: "You are 30 now, you can't afford to be picky." Wow. Slap in the face. I say this: If I have to stop being picky then I am certain I will be single forever. I am the last girl to settle.
My mind is still overrun with thoughts of him. Thoughts I can't shake and the more I try the worse they get. He has even somehow possessed the power to creep inside my every dream. This would be a fine fact whilst sleeping, but no, I have the ability to vividly remember every dream. It is almost as though I have to separate reality from fantasy. My subconscious is telling me that I am off my damn rocker and need to stop thinking about this boy so much. How can I? He leads me on. He flirts uncontrollably. Sometimes we sit on the phone without even talking just to be on the phone with each other. Sexually, you could cut the tension with a knife. I trust him with my life, which if you know me is like saying their are flying elephants in outer space. MaryAnne and trust do not go well together. I said in 2012 I would try to let my wall down and, of course, I let it down for the one person on this continent that is completely unavailable to me. *sigh* I do it to myself.
I wish I could just keep my head down and never look up. I wish just knew I would live this life alone and not have to suffer with wondering.
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