I've sat here staring at this screen for 15 minutes trying to figure out what exactly to write about the past year of my life. How 2011 was such a decent year and even though some bad things happened that it was a fairly quiet 365 days for me.
I still have most of 2011 on a paper journal which I miss. I miss the ink flowing onto the page every night, giving me a bit of solace. I don't get that here. I feel more like journaling is a chore rather than a passion. I wish I still had all my past journals. It would be a fun venture to sit down and read how much I have changed over the course of my life. I started journaling during the Gulf War in 1990. I can remember writing to bring the soldiers home. Funny how the world hasn't seemed to change so much.
Perhaps tomorrow I will buy a new notebook to write in and this can be my second avenue. I'm not even reading as much as I would like lately. I don't have the inspiration or gratification.
It's time to pass out.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Good Riddance 2011
Every new year I say that the year sucked and that I need the next year to be better. I am pretty sure I haven't had a year I can say I've loved since maybe 2003. The last two years I have been in bed by 930. I guess you could say I lead a pathetic life.
At our Christmas dinner this year, I brought up the topic of "What is a goal you have for yourself for 2012?" Everyone went around the table saying things like "lose ten more pounds" or "get a better job." I said I wanted to take down the mountain-sized wall around my heart and let love in. I have been so jaded and scorned for the past 5 years I haven't allowed myself to fall in love.
So recently I began talking to a man from my past. Someone who I have always had feelings for and someone who things have yet to work out with. Our timing has always seemed to be off. We tried to date about 5 years ago when I was fresh out of my 5-year relationship with my then fiance. I wasn't ready and in the end I hurt him. Two years ago while I was in Virginia Beach I contacted him and he said he was surprised to hear from me, he missed me, he was so glad to hear from me... yadda yadda. After that day he never returned a text or phone call. Three weeks ago, he friend requested me on FB and when I accepted, I text him. I wanted to know why 2 years ago he went Jimmy Hoffa on me. He apologized for turning away from me and said he didn't want to get hurt again. Understandable.
So we made plans this week, Friday night. He text me mid-day to tell me he was going to work late. I suggested we skip it until Saturday night (New Years Eve). He agreed and even text me with a "G'night Beautiful." I text him 4 times once I got out of work Saturday and received NO response back. He never came over, he never replied, he never called. This morning when I got to work, I text him again... nothing. I called on my lunch hour... he didn't answer. I guess I should assume I am getting blown off again.
Here's the catch to all of this: I really do like this guy and I think I always have. In the 7 years Ive had his number I have never taken it out of my phone because I have always thought "what if?" I don't get it. I am pretty sure there is something severely wrong with me. The men I attract are scum bags and the men I want apparently want nothing to do with me. Where have I gone wrong in this life? I am done. I am don't looking. I am done trying. I can't do this to myself anymore.
I think I will keep my wall up for 2012. And if they Mayans got it wrong, I will take it down in 2013.
At our Christmas dinner this year, I brought up the topic of "What is a goal you have for yourself for 2012?" Everyone went around the table saying things like "lose ten more pounds" or "get a better job." I said I wanted to take down the mountain-sized wall around my heart and let love in. I have been so jaded and scorned for the past 5 years I haven't allowed myself to fall in love.
So recently I began talking to a man from my past. Someone who I have always had feelings for and someone who things have yet to work out with. Our timing has always seemed to be off. We tried to date about 5 years ago when I was fresh out of my 5-year relationship with my then fiance. I wasn't ready and in the end I hurt him. Two years ago while I was in Virginia Beach I contacted him and he said he was surprised to hear from me, he missed me, he was so glad to hear from me... yadda yadda. After that day he never returned a text or phone call. Three weeks ago, he friend requested me on FB and when I accepted, I text him. I wanted to know why 2 years ago he went Jimmy Hoffa on me. He apologized for turning away from me and said he didn't want to get hurt again. Understandable.
So we made plans this week, Friday night. He text me mid-day to tell me he was going to work late. I suggested we skip it until Saturday night (New Years Eve). He agreed and even text me with a "G'night Beautiful." I text him 4 times once I got out of work Saturday and received NO response back. He never came over, he never replied, he never called. This morning when I got to work, I text him again... nothing. I called on my lunch hour... he didn't answer. I guess I should assume I am getting blown off again.
Here's the catch to all of this: I really do like this guy and I think I always have. In the 7 years Ive had his number I have never taken it out of my phone because I have always thought "what if?" I don't get it. I am pretty sure there is something severely wrong with me. The men I attract are scum bags and the men I want apparently want nothing to do with me. Where have I gone wrong in this life? I am done. I am don't looking. I am done trying. I can't do this to myself anymore.
I think I will keep my wall up for 2012. And if they Mayans got it wrong, I will take it down in 2013.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Tissues for my issues...
I am an emotional rollercoaster. Today my daughter stunned me off my feet today with her "too adult" vocalizations. Today our neighbor dropped her daughter off before school so I could get her on the bus while she had an appointment to be at.
While the girls were eating breakfast I asked Makaela "What does your dad do for a living?"
Alanna responded with a "My dad?"
I said "No, Makaela's dad."
Alanna said "Mine breaks hearts."
My bottom lip quiverred, my eyes filled with tears, and my heart cracked more than it already has been.
All I could even muster to say was "Ohhhh Lonnie." She tells me all the time that she wishes she had her father in her life and I try to tell her that sometimes having a dad isn't as fun as you'd think. I try to tell her about the ugly side to the coin but she doesn't believe it exists.
Today has literally turned into a daddy day. Everything I have heard, watched, & lived has had to do with people with big fat daddy issues and those issues are completely beyond me. I have been having a Dawson's Creek marathon today and Andie McPhee was like "I don't care if he abandoned our family, hes our dad. He loves us." And the whole time I was thinking "Really? Can ya get the eff over it? Who cares if he is your dad."
While watching the episode my best friend calls to tell me she is staying with her parents for a week because her boyfriend's father who is a drunk, drug addict, and was non-existent in his life for 20+ years. And yet he says "He needs a place to stay. He is my dad." Nevermind the fact that his being there makes Jenn uncomfortable and she fears for the safety of her newborn daughter. Who cares if he needs a place to stay? You just chose your loser father over your baby and girlfriend. Classy.
Who are these people and where do they come from? Fathers are not all they are cracked up to be. I have one and have dislike him 97% of the time. And let me just say that 3% was not the best of times. It wasn't until I was 20 that I even started liking him at all. Once I had my daughter he turned into a different man. I know that maybe I can't speak of why people without their fathers in their lives have daddy issues because I have had mine in my life, but having it has been way more overrated than anything else so I guess I just dont understand.
While the girls were eating breakfast I asked Makaela "What does your dad do for a living?"
Alanna responded with a "My dad?"
I said "No, Makaela's dad."
Alanna said "Mine breaks hearts."
My bottom lip quiverred, my eyes filled with tears, and my heart cracked more than it already has been.
All I could even muster to say was "Ohhhh Lonnie." She tells me all the time that she wishes she had her father in her life and I try to tell her that sometimes having a dad isn't as fun as you'd think. I try to tell her about the ugly side to the coin but she doesn't believe it exists.
Today has literally turned into a daddy day. Everything I have heard, watched, & lived has had to do with people with big fat daddy issues and those issues are completely beyond me. I have been having a Dawson's Creek marathon today and Andie McPhee was like "I don't care if he abandoned our family, hes our dad. He loves us." And the whole time I was thinking "Really? Can ya get the eff over it? Who cares if he is your dad."
While watching the episode my best friend calls to tell me she is staying with her parents for a week because her boyfriend's father who is a drunk, drug addict, and was non-existent in his life for 20+ years. And yet he says "He needs a place to stay. He is my dad." Nevermind the fact that his being there makes Jenn uncomfortable and she fears for the safety of her newborn daughter. Who cares if he needs a place to stay? You just chose your loser father over your baby and girlfriend. Classy.
Who are these people and where do they come from? Fathers are not all they are cracked up to be. I have one and have dislike him 97% of the time. And let me just say that 3% was not the best of times. It wasn't until I was 20 that I even started liking him at all. Once I had my daughter he turned into a different man. I know that maybe I can't speak of why people without their fathers in their lives have daddy issues because I have had mine in my life, but having it has been way more overrated than anything else so I guess I just dont understand.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Slipping thru my fingers...
Today I went with my mom to the Walled Lake Western High School's production of The Phantom of the Opera. We go every year to the local high school performances and I leave more upset than any bad day off my meds could ever leave me. I can't even sit in my seat and have the lights dim before anything even starts without my eyes filling with tears. And yes, I am an emotional person, but if I didn't live with daily regret of my past then I wouldn't feel this way.
When I was twelve I got the lead in my junior high's play. It was where I was meant to be whether the entire thing was atrocious. When I got to high school I was not in the plays and musicals solely because sports took up far too much of my time. My junior year I tried out for Hello Dolly. I had to sing a song and then do a few lines from the play. I picked the song "Stardust" by Nat King Cole. One of my most favorite songs to date. Then came my lines. I had to recite about a paragraph from memory and about ten words in, they stopped me, laughing hysterically, and asked me to start over. They apologized but they said my accent was fantastic and they had never stopped an audition before. I got a call back to be in the chorus, I didn't get any of the leads due to lack of seniority. It was kind of a bummer, but I understood. I was one of the lead dancers and I put my heart and soul into my part. That is the beginning of when my life started drifting downhill. I quit the dance team and I became tangled in a web of all things destructive. I wound up quitting the play and it broke my heart. I left my fellow actors in the lurches because of selfishness. I began dating a guy who was most definitely the king of the losers and from there my life was easily defined as a mess. He treated me poorly, cheated on me, talked to me like I was scum, while I worshiped the ground he walked on. Inevitably my Senior year, I didn't go on the exchange trip to Germany like I should have, I didn't go to Prom, Graduation, any of the senior events, I wasn't on any sports teams and I didn't do the play or musical. Christ, if I hadn't done so well my previous three years of school, I wouldn't have graduated at all. I let someone who didn't even care whether I was alive or dead dictate every move of my life. The pining for the stage never left me.
I had my daughter when I was 19 and it put a lot of things in my life on hold. I work and spend time with her and that is all that is important to me. Or so I tell myself. It isn't all though. Every year when we go to these productions and I leave I am in physical pain because of how much hurt I have in my heart over not being a part of it. So I looked up the Farmington Players & Avon players. They have auditions coming up. I don't even know if it is something I can do with work, but I am going to try. I have stopped working on making myself happy for the last thirteen years and I am breaking myself apart.
Did I mention that The Phantom of the Opera is my number one musical? I know, literally, every single word. Every line, every pitch, every tone, every note. Today I sat in the audience lip-syncing every single word imaginable. And while it left me with a gaping hole, it felt amazing. Like being around the stage gives me a sense of euphoria.
Maybe I am losing my mind. Maybe I have dreamed up this whole regret and passion idea. Maybe I need to give this acting thing a second change to see what I have been missing for the last decade plus. I know that without it in my life... something is definitely missing.
When I was twelve I got the lead in my junior high's play. It was where I was meant to be whether the entire thing was atrocious. When I got to high school I was not in the plays and musicals solely because sports took up far too much of my time. My junior year I tried out for Hello Dolly. I had to sing a song and then do a few lines from the play. I picked the song "Stardust" by Nat King Cole. One of my most favorite songs to date. Then came my lines. I had to recite about a paragraph from memory and about ten words in, they stopped me, laughing hysterically, and asked me to start over. They apologized but they said my accent was fantastic and they had never stopped an audition before. I got a call back to be in the chorus, I didn't get any of the leads due to lack of seniority. It was kind of a bummer, but I understood. I was one of the lead dancers and I put my heart and soul into my part. That is the beginning of when my life started drifting downhill. I quit the dance team and I became tangled in a web of all things destructive. I wound up quitting the play and it broke my heart. I left my fellow actors in the lurches because of selfishness. I began dating a guy who was most definitely the king of the losers and from there my life was easily defined as a mess. He treated me poorly, cheated on me, talked to me like I was scum, while I worshiped the ground he walked on. Inevitably my Senior year, I didn't go on the exchange trip to Germany like I should have, I didn't go to Prom, Graduation, any of the senior events, I wasn't on any sports teams and I didn't do the play or musical. Christ, if I hadn't done so well my previous three years of school, I wouldn't have graduated at all. I let someone who didn't even care whether I was alive or dead dictate every move of my life. The pining for the stage never left me.
I had my daughter when I was 19 and it put a lot of things in my life on hold. I work and spend time with her and that is all that is important to me. Or so I tell myself. It isn't all though. Every year when we go to these productions and I leave I am in physical pain because of how much hurt I have in my heart over not being a part of it. So I looked up the Farmington Players & Avon players. They have auditions coming up. I don't even know if it is something I can do with work, but I am going to try. I have stopped working on making myself happy for the last thirteen years and I am breaking myself apart.
Did I mention that The Phantom of the Opera is my number one musical? I know, literally, every single word. Every line, every pitch, every tone, every note. Today I sat in the audience lip-syncing every single word imaginable. And while it left me with a gaping hole, it felt amazing. Like being around the stage gives me a sense of euphoria.
Maybe I am losing my mind. Maybe I have dreamed up this whole regret and passion idea. Maybe I need to give this acting thing a second change to see what I have been missing for the last decade plus. I know that without it in my life... something is definitely missing.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Damn PhD's
So today was incredibly frustrating!! Slight back story: Last Wednesday I rolled my ankle at volleyball and the pain burned like fire up my leg. I tied my shoe on as tight as it would go, elevated immediately, and proceeded to pop a Xanex cuz I knew I my blood pressure was going to sky rocket! Now this is not my first ankle-breaking rodeo. I have done this a time or two.. or three before. I know what it takes to heal this sucker back up, however, this time was the least awful of all the times I have hurt myself in the ankle region.
The very first time, in '03, I was black and blue to the knee within a day and on crutches for 2 weeks all while camping. The second time, was a product of a volleyball game gone wrong. I went up to block with a behemoth of a man who had to compensate for my lack of height by jumping across my entire body. He landed and then I landed... on his feet... rolling my ankle to the ground. This time was, again, at volleyball. I went up to block, blocked, came down so tight on the net that I knew I was going to go under and onto the other side therefore having the whistle blown on me, so I compensated by throwing my body one way while my feet went the other. Crunch. Oh and the whistle was blown on me after all. Guess my ankle went on the wrong side. *shudder* I went onto my back and laid there in pain knowing exactly what had happened. Knowing that I was done walking like an average human being for at least a month. If I had a dollar for every time I have given myself "cankles"... I might be in the ballpark of ten bucks.
Wednesday, crunched the cankle. Friday, went to the doctors for the x-ray. Do I even get to see my doctor? No. I have to see the P.A. who IS NOT A DOCTOR! The last six appointments I have made at this office, I have seen the P.A.. I like her. She is nice, but what am I paying for? Monday, 12:30p.m. I leave for work with still no phone call from the office as to whether my ankle is indeed broken or not. Am I supposed to just guess? If I would have opted to pay $50 and go to Urgent Care, I would have known within an hour, not 4 days! They called around 1:30 to tell me it wasn't broken. And when I say "they called" I mean not the doctor, OR the PA. It was no one I ever heard of before while I could hear the PA in the background dictating what to say. Really? Hand her the gdamn phone!!
Here was the phone call:
"Mary, we've reviewed your x-ray and everything is normal."
"Oooookay, so what should I do?"
"Well just resume activity as you normally would."
"Well I am on my feet 9 hours a day just at work so what should I do."
"When you are not on your feet, make sure to ice and elevate."
A) My 9 year old could have told me to ice and elevate. Shit, I knew that from the 475 previous times I've effed my ankle up.
B) My ankle is normal? No, it may not be broken, but it is NOT normal. It is the size of a grapefruit with mass bruising. That is not normal.
C) Did you know a sprain is harder to heal and WORSE than a break? Yeah, fuck you doctors office.
Of course I went into tears after this phone call ended. The sap that I am. I was red-faced and pissed. I immediately called my insurance and changed doctors. Talk about dramatic. I also plan to write a very strongly worded letter to the practice. We will see if the doctors even read it. Maybe they'll let the PA read it.
The very first time, in '03, I was black and blue to the knee within a day and on crutches for 2 weeks all while camping. The second time, was a product of a volleyball game gone wrong. I went up to block with a behemoth of a man who had to compensate for my lack of height by jumping across my entire body. He landed and then I landed... on his feet... rolling my ankle to the ground. This time was, again, at volleyball. I went up to block, blocked, came down so tight on the net that I knew I was going to go under and onto the other side therefore having the whistle blown on me, so I compensated by throwing my body one way while my feet went the other. Crunch. Oh and the whistle was blown on me after all. Guess my ankle went on the wrong side. *shudder* I went onto my back and laid there in pain knowing exactly what had happened. Knowing that I was done walking like an average human being for at least a month. If I had a dollar for every time I have given myself "cankles"... I might be in the ballpark of ten bucks.
Wednesday, crunched the cankle. Friday, went to the doctors for the x-ray. Do I even get to see my doctor? No. I have to see the P.A. who IS NOT A DOCTOR! The last six appointments I have made at this office, I have seen the P.A.. I like her. She is nice, but what am I paying for? Monday, 12:30p.m. I leave for work with still no phone call from the office as to whether my ankle is indeed broken or not. Am I supposed to just guess? If I would have opted to pay $50 and go to Urgent Care, I would have known within an hour, not 4 days! They called around 1:30 to tell me it wasn't broken. And when I say "they called" I mean not the doctor, OR the PA. It was no one I ever heard of before while I could hear the PA in the background dictating what to say. Really? Hand her the gdamn phone!!
Here was the phone call:
"Mary, we've reviewed your x-ray and everything is normal."
"Oooookay, so what should I do?"
"Well just resume activity as you normally would."
"Well I am on my feet 9 hours a day just at work so what should I do."
"When you are not on your feet, make sure to ice and elevate."
A) My 9 year old could have told me to ice and elevate. Shit, I knew that from the 475 previous times I've effed my ankle up.
B) My ankle is normal? No, it may not be broken, but it is NOT normal. It is the size of a grapefruit with mass bruising. That is not normal.
C) Did you know a sprain is harder to heal and WORSE than a break? Yeah, fuck you doctors office.
Of course I went into tears after this phone call ended. The sap that I am. I was red-faced and pissed. I immediately called my insurance and changed doctors. Talk about dramatic. I also plan to write a very strongly worded letter to the practice. We will see if the doctors even read it. Maybe they'll let the PA read it.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Once Upon A Time...
Watching ABC's Once Upon A Time really makes me think. Especially when Ginnifer Goodwin's writers give her lines to say that make a lot of sense...
"If guess if true love was easy, we'd all have it."
No words spoke more true. I'm not exactly sure why love is on the brain as much as it has been as of late, but I do know that it is weighing heavy. It's been in everything I say, do, & see... and dammit! I am afraid of love. I do not want it staring me in the face all the time. I do a lot in my every day life to avoid all things love related - even as far as saying that I do not believe in it- but here it is, throwing itself all over my life.
I suppose if my daughter were in my same predicament I would not want her to fear love. I would want her to embrace it, but I would want her to see clearly which I am certain most people do not.
I can remember having a conversation with my friend Brandon about 2 years ago now. He had just broken up with one of his girlfriends and was pretty distraught. I asked him how when he kept loving so strong and losing so great how he could still have such passion in his life for love. How could he still wake up every day and want to love, because I was the exact opposite. My passion was exhausted and I spent more time hating love then I ever spent doing anything else. Perhaps that is my biggest problem. Perhaps that is why love has never found me. Because as much as I fear it, it fears my hatred for it.
"If guess if true love was easy, we'd all have it."
No words spoke more true. I'm not exactly sure why love is on the brain as much as it has been as of late, but I do know that it is weighing heavy. It's been in everything I say, do, & see... and dammit! I am afraid of love. I do not want it staring me in the face all the time. I do a lot in my every day life to avoid all things love related - even as far as saying that I do not believe in it- but here it is, throwing itself all over my life.
I suppose if my daughter were in my same predicament I would not want her to fear love. I would want her to embrace it, but I would want her to see clearly which I am certain most people do not.
I can remember having a conversation with my friend Brandon about 2 years ago now. He had just broken up with one of his girlfriends and was pretty distraught. I asked him how when he kept loving so strong and losing so great how he could still have such passion in his life for love. How could he still wake up every day and want to love, because I was the exact opposite. My passion was exhausted and I spent more time hating love then I ever spent doing anything else. Perhaps that is my biggest problem. Perhaps that is why love has never found me. Because as much as I fear it, it fears my hatred for it.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Words of the Tao
Last night I was texting with a friend and listening to her issues with love & life which really gets the ol' ticker turning. She told me how she felt numb with her current situation. That she is just going through the motions of life... and I completely understood her. She has had a pretty rough go at life, but she is still such a beautiful person. Her and I haven't been the greatest of friends over the last chunk of years, but it seems like the older we get the more we need each other's guidance. We are always discussing love (amongst many other topics), but we have very different outlooks on it. She is a relationship girl, while I am the girl who is always alone. She loves to be in love, while I am deathly afraid of it. She makes me think of what I really want out of life. Do I really want to be alone forever. Do I really want to be what my friends call me, "indefinitely single?" Do I even truly know what it is that I do want out of life?
When I started writing this blog, I was thinking about all kinds of "woe is me" things. How my life is stressful right now. How I feel a lot like I am no longer treading water, but I have had this put into perspective today by two sick friends. One, at work, is on the losing side of the battle with cancer. The other, in my family, is my aunt who has a terrible auto-immune disease right now. Without treatment it will shut down her lungs and kidneys. So I started thinking about my loneliness, my hatred for my job, my past relationships, my aching knee, and all of it started to feel severely insignificant.
"Embrace simplicity. Put others first. Desire little." Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu
When I started writing this blog, I was thinking about all kinds of "woe is me" things. How my life is stressful right now. How I feel a lot like I am no longer treading water, but I have had this put into perspective today by two sick friends. One, at work, is on the losing side of the battle with cancer. The other, in my family, is my aunt who has a terrible auto-immune disease right now. Without treatment it will shut down her lungs and kidneys. So I started thinking about my loneliness, my hatred for my job, my past relationships, my aching knee, and all of it started to feel severely insignificant.
"Embrace simplicity. Put others first. Desire little." Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu
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