Good Riddance 2011

Every new year I say that the year sucked and that I need the next year to be better.  I am pretty sure I haven't had a year I can say I've loved since maybe 2003.  The last two years I have been in bed by 930.  I guess you could say I lead a pathetic life.
At our Christmas dinner this year, I brought up the topic of "What is a goal you have for yourself for 2012?" Everyone went around the table saying things like "lose ten more pounds" or "get a better job."  I said I wanted to take down the mountain-sized wall around my heart and let love in.  I have been so jaded and scorned for the past 5 years I haven't allowed myself to fall in love.
So recently I began talking to a man from my past.  Someone who I have always had feelings for and someone who things have yet to work out with.  Our timing has always seemed to be off.  We tried to date about 5 years ago when I was fresh out of my 5-year relationship with my then fiance.  I wasn't ready and in the end I hurt him.  Two years ago while I was in Virginia Beach I contacted him and he said he was surprised to hear from me, he missed me, he was so glad to hear from me... yadda yadda.  After that day he never returned a text or phone call.   Three weeks ago, he friend requested me on FB and when I accepted, I text him.  I wanted to know why 2 years ago he went Jimmy Hoffa on me.  He apologized for turning away from me and said he didn't want to get hurt again.  Understandable.
So we made plans this week, Friday night.  He text me mid-day to tell me he was going to work late. I suggested we skip it until Saturday night (New Years Eve).  He agreed and even text me with a "G'night Beautiful."  I text him 4 times once I got out of work Saturday and received NO response back.  He never came over, he never replied, he never called.  This morning when I got to work, I text him again... nothing.  I called on my lunch hour... he didn't answer.  I guess I should assume I am getting blown off again.

Here's the catch to all of this:  I really do like this guy and I think I always have.   In the 7 years Ive had his number I have never taken it out of my phone because I have always thought "what if?"  I don't get it.  I am pretty sure there is something severely wrong with me.   The men I attract are scum bags and the men I want apparently want nothing to do with me.  Where have I gone wrong in this life? I am done. I am don't looking. I am done trying. I can't do this to myself anymore.

I think I will keep my wall up for 2012. And if they Mayans got it wrong, I will take it down in 2013.