Last night I was texting with a friend and listening to her issues with love & life which really gets the ol' ticker turning. She told me how she felt numb with her current situation. That she is just going through the motions of life... and I completely understood her. She has had a pretty rough go at life, but she is still such a beautiful person. Her and I haven't been the greatest of friends over the last chunk of years, but it seems like the older we get the more we need each other's guidance. We are always discussing love (amongst many other topics), but we have very different outlooks on it. She is a relationship girl, while I am the girl who is always alone. She loves to be in love, while I am deathly afraid of it. She makes me think of what I really want out of life. Do I really want to be alone forever. Do I really want to be what my friends call me, "indefinitely single?" Do I even truly know what it is that I do want out of life?
When I started writing this blog, I was thinking about all kinds of "woe is me" things. How my life is stressful right now. How I feel a lot like I am no longer treading water, but I have had this put into perspective today by two sick friends. One, at work, is on the losing side of the battle with cancer. The other, in my family, is my aunt who has a terrible auto-immune disease right now. Without treatment it will shut down her lungs and kidneys. So I started thinking about my loneliness, my hatred for my job, my past relationships, my aching knee, and all of it started to feel severely insignificant.
"Embrace simplicity. Put others first. Desire little." Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Productive or not
I've had the last three days off & feel like I have been pretty accomplished since. I haven't been hiding in bed watching movies like I normally would which is strange. The odd part is I am dying to just relax but then I feel so useless. I dont know what is wrong with me. I think I will get to yoga tomorrow, but my leg is absolutely killing me! I wish I knew what was wrong with it. On Friday I ordered the complete series of Dawnson's Creek on Amazon for $40. An absolute steal. I'm excited to watch them all again. When Alnna was first born they used to play each episode in succession on TNT every morning, meaning I haven't seen them since like 2003.
The contractors claim they are done with my house. The inspector came out Friday and was highly disappointed. He is making them come out and finish the work before he pays them which is good. I already started painting which I do not want to do. I did a ton of yardwork this weekend and my dad chopped me a ton of wood so I can light a lot of fires this winter. I love sitting in my chair, reading a book, under a blanket, next to a fire. There isnt much that is better.
Maybe I will take a nap. Pretty lame, I know. Its like 4 pm, but Ive already had one hell of a day.
The contractors claim they are done with my house. The inspector came out Friday and was highly disappointed. He is making them come out and finish the work before he pays them which is good. I already started painting which I do not want to do. I did a ton of yardwork this weekend and my dad chopped me a ton of wood so I can light a lot of fires this winter. I love sitting in my chair, reading a book, under a blanket, next to a fire. There isnt much that is better.
Maybe I will take a nap. Pretty lame, I know. Its like 4 pm, but Ive already had one hell of a day.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Miss Independent?
I have been staring at this computer screen for well over 5 minutes and cannot come up with anything worthy to even discuss. So perhaps I will just describe my day and it will fall into place.
I awoke this morning a little later than I had anticipated so in turn my daughter was also asleep later than she should have been. We woke up and she decided to dress in the most ridiculous outfit ever. We fought it out and I, of course, won and she put semi-human clothes on. I shouldn't sweat the small stuff really and just let her dress like an absolute freak. Maybe it will keep the boys FAR away... and FOREVER! Jenn came over and dropped Avery off so I could babysit, and she drove Lonnie to the bus stop for me. I snuggled up on the couch with the little bean and watched CSI:Miami reruns for a few hours until I got dressed and drove to Jenn's work so she could show Aves off.
Jenn has been talking about this guy at her work and how I "have to meet him." I have been down this road with way too many friends and these "have to meets" always wind up being disasters. I was pleasantly surprised when this one was a lot better looking than I had presumed. He introduced himself and shook my hand and that was literally the extent of our meeting. Did I mention he looks a ton like my ex-fiance? Guess Jenn knows what I like, huh? *sigh* The dating scene. What an obnoxious place to be in! I am single so naturally one would assume I am in that so-called scene, but the truth is I stay as far away from it as possible. Dating & MaryAnne do not go together... at all. Hell, I am not sure relationships & MaryAnne go together at all. I am not exactly the person you can have on your arm, dote over, or be romantic to. I have been told for several years now that I am just like a guy -with the exception of the boobs and vagina. I think like a man, talk like a man, and date like a man. Christ, half the men I date are freaking females or so it seems! Pathetic. I guess what it comes down to is I'm too independent for my own good. Most people need companionship while I do not. Most people are in relationships, unhealthy or otherwise, because they cant stand to be alone and I am not one of those people. I would rather be alone. I spent 5 years in a relationship where all we did was verbally abuse each other and inevitably he cheated on me with half the city. I fear relationships. I fear all that comes along with it. I fear dependency on another human being in any way, shape, or form. At least I can recognize my shortcomings right? Sure. It doesn't really make it that much better, more or less just rubs it into the wound a little further.
So my point in all this is, I might just need to reevaluate my theories on life. My outlook on relationships. Unless I truly do want to be alone for the next 60 years. That is an awfully long time.
I awoke this morning a little later than I had anticipated so in turn my daughter was also asleep later than she should have been. We woke up and she decided to dress in the most ridiculous outfit ever. We fought it out and I, of course, won and she put semi-human clothes on. I shouldn't sweat the small stuff really and just let her dress like an absolute freak. Maybe it will keep the boys FAR away... and FOREVER! Jenn came over and dropped Avery off so I could babysit, and she drove Lonnie to the bus stop for me. I snuggled up on the couch with the little bean and watched CSI:Miami reruns for a few hours until I got dressed and drove to Jenn's work so she could show Aves off.
Jenn has been talking about this guy at her work and how I "have to meet him." I have been down this road with way too many friends and these "have to meets" always wind up being disasters. I was pleasantly surprised when this one was a lot better looking than I had presumed. He introduced himself and shook my hand and that was literally the extent of our meeting. Did I mention he looks a ton like my ex-fiance? Guess Jenn knows what I like, huh? *sigh* The dating scene. What an obnoxious place to be in! I am single so naturally one would assume I am in that so-called scene, but the truth is I stay as far away from it as possible. Dating & MaryAnne do not go together... at all. Hell, I am not sure relationships & MaryAnne go together at all. I am not exactly the person you can have on your arm, dote over, or be romantic to. I have been told for several years now that I am just like a guy -with the exception of the boobs and vagina. I think like a man, talk like a man, and date like a man. Christ, half the men I date are freaking females or so it seems! Pathetic. I guess what it comes down to is I'm too independent for my own good. Most people need companionship while I do not. Most people are in relationships, unhealthy or otherwise, because they cant stand to be alone and I am not one of those people. I would rather be alone. I spent 5 years in a relationship where all we did was verbally abuse each other and inevitably he cheated on me with half the city. I fear relationships. I fear all that comes along with it. I fear dependency on another human being in any way, shape, or form. At least I can recognize my shortcomings right? Sure. It doesn't really make it that much better, more or less just rubs it into the wound a little further.
So my point in all this is, I might just need to reevaluate my theories on life. My outlook on relationships. Unless I truly do want to be alone for the next 60 years. That is an awfully long time.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
A day for tears
I got to babysit my beautiful Goddaughter Avery all day today. It was fun snuggling with a sleepy little growing life all day. I ran to the dentist, picked up my "night guard" and then to the Secretary of State to get my new driver's license. At least I don't have to get another one for a decade...
Here is where I am now: I missed last week's episode of Parenthood so I had two episodes to watch tonight. I'm pretty sure I cried for the full two hours. Pathetically enough it wasn't like I just was leaking tears out of the corner of my eyes, I am talking full on weepy sobs. I mean, I laughed a bit, I smiled, I even spoke out loud at Peter Krauser's "KFed meets RunDMC" outfit, but when it came down to it I wept like I had just lost my best friend.
It seems like a few times a year something happens that opens my eyes to the fact that I am missing out what I want out of life. I'm not exactly sure what to do about this predicament or about the fact that it slaps me right in the face a few times a year, but I know that something is definitely out of place. I think I am going to have to do some soul searching and find out exactly what it is I need vs. what I want. I have my Alanna, which is the single most important thing, however, I know I was meant for more and I don't even have a clue where to start.
Here is where I am now: I missed last week's episode of Parenthood so I had two episodes to watch tonight. I'm pretty sure I cried for the full two hours. Pathetically enough it wasn't like I just was leaking tears out of the corner of my eyes, I am talking full on weepy sobs. I mean, I laughed a bit, I smiled, I even spoke out loud at Peter Krauser's "KFed meets RunDMC" outfit, but when it came down to it I wept like I had just lost my best friend.
It seems like a few times a year something happens that opens my eyes to the fact that I am missing out what I want out of life. I'm not exactly sure what to do about this predicament or about the fact that it slaps me right in the face a few times a year, but I know that something is definitely out of place. I think I am going to have to do some soul searching and find out exactly what it is I need vs. what I want. I have my Alanna, which is the single most important thing, however, I know I was meant for more and I don't even have a clue where to start.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
One & Only
I cannot get Adele's "One and Only" out of my head. I have literally been singing it over and over for at least 8 hours. Mind you, I sing pretty well and love this song, but c'mon it doesn't need to be in my head any more. I suppose it is better than "This is the song that doesn't end, yes it goes on and on my friend...." Oh crap. What did I do?
A friend at work gave me one of his many phones today to replace my BlackBerry Bold that has had no zero button since May. Do you actually know how hard it is to work a phone with no zero button? My voicemail password has a zero in it and let me just tell you, I have to jam my pinky nail down into the slot otherwise it just isn't happening. You might wonder why I don't have a touch-screen. Well, I am old fashioned I suppose. I love my keyboard. I can text faster than anyone on 6 continents. However, this new(ish) phone is a touch-screen and boy am I struggling with life. It is a BlackBerry Storm2. I plan to go iPhone come February but this will have to suffice for now. I SUCK at touch-screen. I can't type properly, I don't know where the screens are, the operating system is different. I am so damn confused! Its like I need a college course on how to use my phone or maybe an internship?
The most depressing news of this week is that on Friday I bought my 9 year old a training bra. Now I may be well endowed in the chest region, but that is no reason for my daughter to need support at 9!! I didn't even get these bad boys til I was 18. Should I blame all the hormones in the meats and milk? Well I am going to! There is no other reason to explain why she is getting "buds" this early. She is the only 4th grader I know of in a bra. *facepalm* Its almost as depressing as the fact that I am 29 on Friday.
A friend at work gave me one of his many phones today to replace my BlackBerry Bold that has had no zero button since May. Do you actually know how hard it is to work a phone with no zero button? My voicemail password has a zero in it and let me just tell you, I have to jam my pinky nail down into the slot otherwise it just isn't happening. You might wonder why I don't have a touch-screen. Well, I am old fashioned I suppose. I love my keyboard. I can text faster than anyone on 6 continents. However, this new(ish) phone is a touch-screen and boy am I struggling with life. It is a BlackBerry Storm2. I plan to go iPhone come February but this will have to suffice for now. I SUCK at touch-screen. I can't type properly, I don't know where the screens are, the operating system is different. I am so damn confused! Its like I need a college course on how to use my phone or maybe an internship?
The most depressing news of this week is that on Friday I bought my 9 year old a training bra. Now I may be well endowed in the chest region, but that is no reason for my daughter to need support at 9!! I didn't even get these bad boys til I was 18. Should I blame all the hormones in the meats and milk? Well I am going to! There is no other reason to explain why she is getting "buds" this early. She is the only 4th grader I know of in a bra. *facepalm* Its almost as depressing as the fact that I am 29 on Friday.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Inevitably Single
I have been not only having actual discussions but dreams lately about parents and whether kids are ruined because of the lack of them.
My daughter, for prime example, has no father to speak of. Her father never met her til she was 6 months old and never again until she was 6 years. He hasn't called since 2009 so maybe he'll show up again when she is 16? Who knows. But my arguments have consisted of people saying that they stay together to have their family. "But what would the kids do without theitr daddy?" I think its a bad joke. Really? They'd get on with life, thats what they would do. They would see that life isn't perfect and they would get over it. I know people who have fathers and would be better off in life without them. I get that people want the perfect picture, but this is real life and it is hard. It is far from perfect.
For example I have a friend who stays with her douche bag boyfriend because she has two kids. She says she does it for them and it doesnt matter what she wants. I said "If your daughter was in a terrible abusive relationship would you be okay with it?" She replied with an "of course not." So she continues the cycle with showing her daughter that its okay to be in an abusive relationship and shows her son it is okay to abuse women. When does it end?
My daughter has talks of having a father. She wishes she could have one. When she was 8 months old I started dating a guy and we were together from then until just after she turned 5. He was all she new from daddy. For three of those five years he cheated on me. He kept a whole other life from me because of his selfishness. When the time finally came where I learned of the cheating and left him, he moved one of his new girls in within two days. He said he still wanted to see Alanna, and I said he could, but not his new woman. He never called again nor never saw my daughter after that conversation. Alanna doesnt understand why, of course, but for a 5 year old to say "Mommy, I don't want these memories in my head," thats a little deep... See she would have been better off without one from the start. Like I said all along.
I don't know what the point of this rant it is. Maybe to show myself that I am single with good reason. That I dont just want to be with someone who will ineviatably hurt my daughter or myself. I am good where I am. If that means I am alone til I die, then so be it.
My daughter, for prime example, has no father to speak of. Her father never met her til she was 6 months old and never again until she was 6 years. He hasn't called since 2009 so maybe he'll show up again when she is 16? Who knows. But my arguments have consisted of people saying that they stay together to have their family. "But what would the kids do without theitr daddy?" I think its a bad joke. Really? They'd get on with life, thats what they would do. They would see that life isn't perfect and they would get over it. I know people who have fathers and would be better off in life without them. I get that people want the perfect picture, but this is real life and it is hard. It is far from perfect.
For example I have a friend who stays with her douche bag boyfriend because she has two kids. She says she does it for them and it doesnt matter what she wants. I said "If your daughter was in a terrible abusive relationship would you be okay with it?" She replied with an "of course not." So she continues the cycle with showing her daughter that its okay to be in an abusive relationship and shows her son it is okay to abuse women. When does it end?
My daughter has talks of having a father. She wishes she could have one. When she was 8 months old I started dating a guy and we were together from then until just after she turned 5. He was all she new from daddy. For three of those five years he cheated on me. He kept a whole other life from me because of his selfishness. When the time finally came where I learned of the cheating and left him, he moved one of his new girls in within two days. He said he still wanted to see Alanna, and I said he could, but not his new woman. He never called again nor never saw my daughter after that conversation. Alanna doesnt understand why, of course, but for a 5 year old to say "Mommy, I don't want these memories in my head," thats a little deep... See she would have been better off without one from the start. Like I said all along.
I don't know what the point of this rant it is. Maybe to show myself that I am single with good reason. That I dont just want to be with someone who will ineviatably hurt my daughter or myself. I am good where I am. If that means I am alone til I die, then so be it.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
As a few snowflakes fall...
It's the first of October and I just watched a few snowflakes fall to the ground. I am glad summer is over, but I am not ready for the bitter cold of the winter. I wish I could freeze fall in it's place and enjoy the warm days and cooler nights. Instead of blistering winds in a freezing rain.
I spent the majority of the day at work in my own peace and quiet getting some tasks I didn't really want to do done. I was glad for it though. I've heard my fellow co-workers chant "I love my job. I love my job." to themselves for quite sometimes and I have never felt quite that way until lately. I know that everyone's job has stressors, but it seems like my job is killing me softly. As well as this work that is being done on my house. Err, scratch that, the work that isn't being done on my house. The tally this week was they worked Tuesday and came Thursday but for a whopping 3.5 hours. And here I sit in a house that is literally covered in drywall dust. I woke up this morning and my two kitties, Dylan & Lucy, were covered in dust. How sad. I am sure they are hating their life here at my house. Maybe I could put a post on FaceBook and try to get them new homes, but how could I do that to my babies? Their life here is just so less than enjoyable. Bea seems to muttle through, but she is a dog and dogs are just not that smart, lets face it.
Dylan must know I am talking shit about him on here cuz he is clawing at the underside of my bed as I type this. Another thing in this house that is destroyed. :(
I have the day off tomorrow. I get to watch ungodly amounts of TV and try to clean this godforsaken thing I call a home. Coffee will be my best friend tomorrow and maybe I'll even get to a yoga class.
I spent the majority of the day at work in my own peace and quiet getting some tasks I didn't really want to do done. I was glad for it though. I've heard my fellow co-workers chant "I love my job. I love my job." to themselves for quite sometimes and I have never felt quite that way until lately. I know that everyone's job has stressors, but it seems like my job is killing me softly. As well as this work that is being done on my house. Err, scratch that, the work that isn't being done on my house. The tally this week was they worked Tuesday and came Thursday but for a whopping 3.5 hours. And here I sit in a house that is literally covered in drywall dust. I woke up this morning and my two kitties, Dylan & Lucy, were covered in dust. How sad. I am sure they are hating their life here at my house. Maybe I could put a post on FaceBook and try to get them new homes, but how could I do that to my babies? Their life here is just so less than enjoyable. Bea seems to muttle through, but she is a dog and dogs are just not that smart, lets face it.
Dylan must know I am talking shit about him on here cuz he is clawing at the underside of my bed as I type this. Another thing in this house that is destroyed. :(
I have the day off tomorrow. I get to watch ungodly amounts of TV and try to clean this godforsaken thing I call a home. Coffee will be my best friend tomorrow and maybe I'll even get to a yoga class.
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