Think with my heart

Today for the second time this week my mother invited me over to dinner.  Upon eating dinner my father started an argument with me that got me to get up, get my coat, and leave.  He does this for pleasure, I'm convinced.  Almost as if he gets off on putting others down or making other people feel inferior to him.  I've always known that his opinions are the only opinions in the world that matter.  That he is supremely right while we are all miserably wrong.  Its obnoxious to feel like this.

So, of course, I said to my mom "Don't invite me over anymore, cuz I wont come."  and I left.  She texted me with a "You are too sensitive."  You know... I would rather be too sensitive than anywhere close to the way he is.  He loves to fight, he loves to argue, and he hurts people's feelings all the time.  My mother, my daughter, my brother.   He is unfeeling and unkind.  It even hurts me to admit that my father is this big of a prick. 

I try to explain to my daughter that it is better to have NO father -like she does- than to have a father that verbally hurts you every time you are in his presence.  Maybe I need to move away from him so he can't hurt me any more.  If this was a boyfriend treating me like this I would have kicked his ass to the curb long ago, but since it is my dad I allow it?  Unacceptable.

Sigh

I feel like I am moving backward.  Like the life I thought I would lead is some big running joke with The Fates.  I know that no one's future is for certain due to the choices we make every day, but really? Is this where life has decided to take me? It isn't where I dreamed of. It isn't where I wish I was.

Everyone always makes statements to me about how strong I am or how they admire my strength.  How I don't have to have a relationship define me. Or how I can go through hell but still come out on the other side unscathed.  Well to those people I say this:  I put on a good facade. I know exactly what to say and do to make you smile and turn away thinking everything is fine.  It isn't.

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I still feel you here til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
Then to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free.  Leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're onto me and all over me.

You loved me cuz I'm fragile
I thought that I was strong.
You touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're onto me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
You're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend or foe though I can't seem to let you go
One thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.
You're keeping me down.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long.

If I could write a song, it would go a lot like this.  Her words are exactly what goes on in my head. I have written poetry for many years and some of my works sound a lot like her music.  This song in particular has always struck a chord for me.  I know that if Sara and I were friends, we could write some amazing things.  Since we aren't I will admire her fantastic works from the sidelines.

Days in a year

I've sat here staring at this screen for 15 minutes trying to figure out what exactly to write about the past year of my life.  How 2011 was such a decent year and even though some bad things happened that it was a fairly quiet 365 days for me.

I still have most of 2011 on a paper journal which I miss.  I miss the ink flowing onto the page every night, giving me a bit of solace.  I don't get that here.  I feel more like journaling is a chore rather than a passion.   I wish I still had all my past journals.  It would be a fun venture to sit down and read how much I have changed over the course of my life.  I started journaling during the Gulf War in 1990.  I can remember writing to bring the soldiers home.  Funny how the world hasn't seemed to change so much. 

Perhaps tomorrow I will buy a new notebook to write in and this can be my second avenue.  I'm not even reading as much as I would like lately.  I don't have the inspiration or gratification.

It's time to pass out.

Good Riddance 2011

Every new year I say that the year sucked and that I need the next year to be better.  I am pretty sure I haven't had a year I can say I've loved since maybe 2003.  The last two years I have been in bed by 930.  I guess you could say I lead a pathetic life.
At our Christmas dinner this year, I brought up the topic of "What is a goal you have for yourself for 2012?" Everyone went around the table saying things like "lose ten more pounds" or "get a better job."  I said I wanted to take down the mountain-sized wall around my heart and let love in.  I have been so jaded and scorned for the past 5 years I haven't allowed myself to fall in love.
So recently I began talking to a man from my past.  Someone who I have always had feelings for and someone who things have yet to work out with.  Our timing has always seemed to be off.  We tried to date about 5 years ago when I was fresh out of my 5-year relationship with my then fiance.  I wasn't ready and in the end I hurt him.  Two years ago while I was in Virginia Beach I contacted him and he said he was surprised to hear from me, he missed me, he was so glad to hear from me... yadda yadda.  After that day he never returned a text or phone call.   Three weeks ago, he friend requested me on FB and when I accepted, I text him.  I wanted to know why 2 years ago he went Jimmy Hoffa on me.  He apologized for turning away from me and said he didn't want to get hurt again.  Understandable.
So we made plans this week, Friday night.  He text me mid-day to tell me he was going to work late. I suggested we skip it until Saturday night (New Years Eve).  He agreed and even text me with a "G'night Beautiful."  I text him 4 times once I got out of work Saturday and received NO response back.  He never came over, he never replied, he never called.  This morning when I got to work, I text him again... nothing.  I called on my lunch hour... he didn't answer.  I guess I should assume I am getting blown off again.

Here's the catch to all of this:  I really do like this guy and I think I always have.   In the 7 years Ive had his number I have never taken it out of my phone because I have always thought "what if?"  I don't get it.  I am pretty sure there is something severely wrong with me.   The men I attract are scum bags and the men I want apparently want nothing to do with me.  Where have I gone wrong in this life? I am done. I am don't looking. I am done trying. I can't do this to myself anymore.

I think I will keep my wall up for 2012. And if they Mayans got it wrong, I will take it down in 2013.