American History X

I've been watching a lot of movies lately, trying to catch myself up on years of cult classics that I have missed for no reason I can think of.  I have a list of these movies I keep in a journal and they are slowly (very slowly) dwindling.  


Today I watched American History X. Somewhat predictable, comprehensively annoying, and all together something that didn't make the emotions it was supposed to come out.  I am pretty sure at the end when the brother gets shot to death in the bathroom that you are supposed to feel a lot of sadness.  In a normal situation I may even have cried. I cry at commercials, certain songs played on my iPod, but this only left me feeling angry.  Angry that we live in a world where this behavior actually happens. Where people are so ignorant to everything except for their own beliefs that they affect everything and everyone they come in contact with. So when I was supposed to cry, I didn't. I more or less thought, good riddance.  I was sad that it came back to a black and white fight for power, but I knew that at least the ignorance that character held was gone from the world. I know, it's a just a movie.


A few months ago I watched Green Street Hooligans and was getting so incredibly angry while watching it that I had to make a phone call in the middle of it to scold the friend who told me to watch it.  It was a disgusting display of human life.  Same with Boondock Saints.  I have no respect for humans that act that way.  You are God? You get to do his work for him?  You get to decide who lives and dies based on your jaded and fucked up points of view?


These movies stress me out.  I may know now why I never watched them in the first place. Why they went to the wayside before even giving them a chance.  
It's sad that I watch a movie and want to take a Xanex to calm down.

WB Yeats

I read a poem recently that hit so close to home I had to express it on here:

"Never give all the heart, for love will hardly seem worth thinking of.
To passionate women if it seem certain and they never dream that
it fades out from kiss to kiss.
For everything that's lovely is but a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright. For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough?
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost
For he gave all his heart and lost."
-W.B. Yeats

Oh the cynic I am this poem rings so true to my ears.  I cannot even watch two lovers kiss now without growing incredibly bitter.  Is it because of my abhorrent jealousy? Is it because in two weeks I will have gone  ONE entire year without even so much as a touch from another?  I am unsure.  But I do know this:
I am tired of putting myself out there and getting nothing in return.
I am done.
I am over it.
I am moving forward with life with love far behind me.