For the past 18 months I have wrestled with myself in regards to feelings I have developed for someone in my life. Someone I can most likely never be with. Someone who cannot tell me whether they share the same feelings, but if they made it any more obvious I might spontaneously combust. A friend of mine (one of the only people who even knows of this love) tells me that it is unrequited love; it will be something I suffer with all of my life long. He says I will be with someone new one day and still always have the pining for the one who has got away. Why does he have to "get away?" Why can't I have what I want?
My dreams are so powerful. I dream of him every single night I sleep. I do not just have lucid dreams, they are completely vivid to the point where I have contemplated writing them down. I am sure I could write a book. Maybe it would be a good way to understand my brain a little better since I really don't understand it at all. One of the side effects to the medicine I am on is nightmares. While I do have my fair share of dreams that make my heart race, body sweat, and sometimes even make me cry, I most of the time dream of the man I cannot have. I guess that's just as bad as a nightmare. I try so hard not to think about him that it's all I do.
So I have recently started online dating. The process of moving on from a relationship I have never actually been in. I'm clinically insane. Its official.
